Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
