Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
