when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
