shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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