I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
