WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Don't make out with my wife yet
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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