Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
