they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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