i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have already put on my inside pants.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
