whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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