My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
