I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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