i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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