Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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