Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
