That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
