Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
