I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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