I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
