When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
