I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize