I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Randomize
