I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize