She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
