Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Is Oprah even human
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
