Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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