Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
