i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
