Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
