I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
