god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
