i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
