Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
