I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
