I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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