i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
