if i can run in heels then i can drive
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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