and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
