Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Text me some of your sweat
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
