I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
