These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize