I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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