I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
