someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You can't motorboat a personality
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize