you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
