My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
