I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
