After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
