can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
