i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
