you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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