this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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