My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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