Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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