Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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