The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
