Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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