i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
