I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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