At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
